#I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable about my body
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“what it’s like to be a woman” - in the sense of understanding social expectations and pressures: the crushing hell of teenage girlhood. the danger of men, even in your own family. cleaning up at Thanksgiving. doing your own laundry. the pressures that drive girls from STEM - sexual harassment from boys, disrespect from teachers, lack of parental support. the fear that rape culture pumps into us
”what it’s like to be a woman” - in the sense of feeling. qualia. Walsh’s “What is a Woman,” the epistemological versus semantic. that’s more complicated to untangle
i think i know what it’s like to be treated “as a woman,” to understand the sting and indignity and pain, petty sufferings. I know as an older passing trans man how it feels to be treated “as a man” - locker room talk, interactions with strangers, the ability to walk around random urban areas largely unhassled (i’ve done lots of stupid dangerous shit in my life)
i’ve experienced homophobia as a lesbian and a gay man. i’ve been too masculine a woman and too manly a man
and i think i can say that i do not know what it is “like” to be a woman. to not be on testosterone is like being in another body - my first shot made me right, it made my mind work
I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman because I’m not one. Maybe my brain was washed in the wrong hormone in the womb, maybe I have a secret intersex condition, maybe my soul is male, maybe God wanted me to go through this to learn something, maybe I am just crazy or broken and this is a sort of delusion. I don’t care.
I’m someone who spent a long time in a foreign territory before finding my way home. I’ve been dragged back unwillingly at points. But I do have a place that I belong. I have learned from my journey. There is so much fucking value in having older man who have *experienced the shit that women go through* and speak up about it. It’s uncomfortable as hell, but god damn if we aren’t positioned to do it. We need more feminists and LGBT people to support us in this. We can *call out* so much shit. Think about how legendary Bruce Barnes was - calling out a time where someone disparaged “his sister” to his face. So much of us do have a hyper competitive streak - fighting to keep pace while playing unfairly against those we perceived as our peers - we have so many talents and we need to start fucking being recognized. I think in part we get this shit *because we can call so much out.*
I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman because I am not one. But I am being taught a lot of lessons to make me a stronger fighter.
i think im going to lose my fucking mind actually.
this little make believe game that yall are playing where ur all pretending that we have always been passing as cis men is honestly just really sickening to read. as if trans men have never been sexually harassed or abused because society perceives us as women. im genuinely of the opinion that u all just do not believe trans men face misogyny and thats so unbelievably fucked up and just not based in reality. its actually disgusting and vile.
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hi! I was wondering if you could write a story about aaron and reader are arguing because reader is jealous about him having to kiss a girl in a movie he was doing and he had to prove to them that he loves them and only them. please and thank you
Let me cook !! I hope you’ll like ! (I felt free to add smut to it because why notttt)
aaron pierre x actress!reader
Warnings : +18 (MDNI), nasty smutty, established relationship, jealousy, cranky reader
It’s been a long day for both of you. The set was chaotic, the director demanding, and the long hours had made you cranky. But what truly sent your heart spiraling was the news you’d just heard.
Your man had to kiss another woman for a scene in his movie. You hadn’t meant to overhear the conversation, but as you stood in the doorway of his trailer, the words hit you like a ton of bricks. Your stomach twisted, your chest tightened. You knew it was part of his job, but that didn’t stop the jealousy that clawed at you, irrational but raw.
Now, sitting in his car, you can barely look at him. The tension between you two is palpable, and the silence is thick, uncomfortable.
Aaron looks over at you, his jaw clenched, but his eyes soft. “Baby, talk to me. I don’t like when you’re like this.”
You scoff, crossing your arms tightly over your chest, staring out the window. “Like what?”
He takes a breath, turning fully towards you now. “You’re upset. I can tell. I don’t know why, but I can feel it.” You huff, shaking your head, but you can’t hide the hurt in your voice. “I just… I don’t get why you had to kiss her. I know it’s your job, but—”
His hands fly up in frustration, but not in anger. It’s more like he’s frustrated at himself for making you feel this way. “No, listen to me, okay? That kiss meant nothing. Nothing at all.”
“I know it was just acting,” you say, voice small. “But still… You kissed her. I don’t know if my weak ass can handle that."
He reaches over and gently places his hand on your knee, his touch warm and grounding. “Baby, I’ve been kissing you for years. There’s only one person who has my heart, and that’s you. No matter what’s in the script, no matter what I have to do on set, you’re the one I’m coming home to.”
You glance at him, searching his face, looking for any sign of insincerity. But all you see is love. His eyes are soft, pleading, and filled with everything you need to hear.
“And I’m sorry I made you feel this way,” he continues, his voice low. “You mean everything to me. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t want anyone else.”
Tears start to sting your eyes as his words hit you. Slowly, you reach for his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. “I’m sorry, too papa,” you whisper, gently playing with his fingers. “I didn’t mean to be jealous like this. I just… I love you so much. I can’t stand the thought of anyone else touching you like I do.”
Aaron leans in and presses a soft kiss to your forehead. “And you never will. Because no matter what, it’s you and me. Always.”
Now, as the rest of the trip was quiet, the only audible sound being the radio, you thought things had calmed down between you. How wrong you were. You didn’t even the time to step out of your shoes that aaron took you to y’all’s bedroom.
"Aaron- what are you doing ?" You asked, following him as he entered the room, closing the door behind him.
The tension between y’all thickened, and even if the only source of light in the room was the sunset’s, you could still see aaron slightly tightening his jaw as he looked down at you.
It was like he was actually realizing just how deeply all of this was affecting you. He pulled you closer to his, brushing his lips against your ear. " I’m sorry you felt that way. I need to show you you’re the only one who can have me.”
He never actually felt like this, never been the object of one’s jealousy. But this was nice —apart from the part where it makes you upset– it made him feel even more connected to you.
That’s how he now had you wrapped in his body, almost in his skin. His dick was buried in you so deep, but his fingers were so delicate on your skin, his kisses so gentle. "Papa is so sorry for making you jealous baby, will you forgive him ?" He asks as he fucked himself into your sweet pussy. You felt so good around him, your hips grinding to try to meet his.
"haa– fuck !"
"C’mon tell me bub. You forgive me ?" He asks again, lips against your shoulder. You whine softly, trying to push back against him.
"Yeah baby, you’re forgiven- mh !" You whine. Aaron chuckles a bit before his hands grasp your hips to hold you steady. With one firm thrust, he is breaching your folds and sliding deep inside you. your head dropping to the pillow below you as you whimper through the burn. The stretch burns more then you anticipated, and you hear him groaning softly, which sends another wave of liquid heat rushing through you.
"God you feel so good baby, you take my cock so fucking well." He praises you, gently pulling out to slowly thrust back in. His eyes are locked on the place where you two connect, watching with hooded eyes as his cock disappears inside you.
"Oh my— why are you fucking me like this ?..feels so good.."
"I wish you could see this baby." He praises again through a soft moan, and you drink up every sound he makes. "I’m yours baby, take your dick."
You needed this so bad and you actually loved the fact that you were the only one who could give him this type of relief.
Yours yours yours yours yours. he was yours.
Your forehead presses against the bed, muffled and strangled cries escaping your lips every time aaron hits deep inside you. His cock stretches you perfectly, and always hits places deep inside you. Places you didn't know existed. Soon you feel your orgasm creeping up on you, almost making you feel lightheaded.
"Please make your pussy cum papa, im so close." You beg, muffling your moans with your palm as he drives his cock into you. You feel sweat covering your entire body and aaron holds your hips with a bruising force. You feel that coil winding tighter and tighter, and you release a high pitched whine when his hand actually snakes around your body to thumb your clit.
"Papa this dick feels so good, soo good baby. Always feels so good, fuck baby I love you," You're not sure what you're saying at this point, an incoherent mess of praises for the man above you. "Nah, this is your dick baby, say it."
"My dick—It’s mine, mine, mine." You repeat mindlessly, pleasure taking over you. "shit, I love you too baby." He answers.
Aaron loved when he could reduce you to incoherent words and disconnected statements because of him. slamming his cock inside you and rolling your clit before you're squeezing around him tightly, your mouth falls open in a silent scream. You cum in hot gushes around him and he can only offer a few more sloppy thrusts before he's cumming with a loud growl, coating your walls in his hot cum.
chest heaving from the exertion, aaron feels more relaxed than he has all day. There's a small smile on your face and your eyes are closed as your legs finally give out and you collapse against the sheets.
"Are you okay bub ?" You hear, and you can't help but smile when you hear that he's panting slightly. You hum with a smile on your face. "I’m sorry i got cranky over this, I love you."
"That’s okay mama. I understand you, but I want you to know I’m yours, only yours."
@ melosliving 2025
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okay i’ve been wondering about this for a while. i’ve seen a lot of fandom discourse that headcanoning a character who’s commonly accepted as transfem in fandom as a genderweird trans in all directions nb person is transfem erasure. is this true? i haven’t really thought so‚ but i might just be biased as a nb transmasc myself. (common examples include john egbert)
hello there, thanks for stopping by!
i am definitely the wrong person to ask about this, i am very sorry. i do not participate in fandom at all, i don't engage with much fiction and when i do, i don't get into it that much. my brain doesn't really latch on to fiction like it did when i was a kid. i still play games and watch anime here and there but i don't interact with fandoms, so i apologize for that. i find them to be genuinely uncomfortable and unsafe environments to be in due to being intersex and biracial. fandom spaces unfortunately tend to be extremely racist & intersexist. i had friends who were heavily involved in fandom as a teenager and i felt very unsafe due to the sheer amount of fetishiziation of intersex bodies that goes on in fandom spaces.
this is simply an outsider's perspective, but i don't really see fandoms as "representation" that can be "erased" because it's all conjecture and everyone has such wildly different opinions on what a character is or is not. it's not representation if it's not confirmed. if it's just a headcanon it's not representation, as it was not confirmed and thus is conjecture and speculation. i might be wildly off base as an outsider, but i always kinda thought the point of fandom was for everyone to express how they interact with that piece of media uniquely, and spread and share their thoughts and opinions? why are people trying to control how other people interact with a piece of fiction that they did not make...?
that seems antithetical to the idea of fandom. i thought it was supposed to be a fun hobby? again maybe i just *don't* get it as an outsider, but it makes no sense to me to try to control someone else's internal opinion on something that quite literally is not real. like at the end of the day none of these people are real, you can't hurt their feelings you're not 'erasing' anyone here, they're literally not real, and if it's only a headcanon that that person is transfem... then you're not. erasing. a transfem character, it's just conjecture. it doesn't matter what gender or sexuality you see them as because you're free to think and feel those ways in your head. you're allowed to engage in those thought experiments because that person quite literally is not real so it's okay to speculate on their identity. it's not okay to do this to another live person but if they're fictional who... cares?
this may sound really harsh but i need to stress to people that fictional characters are not real human beings, and stressing out over their genders or sexuality does nothing to help you. you can't hurt their feelings. you can't erase a transfem that isn't confirmed to be transfem. a headcanon is just that: a personal opinion. it shouldn't come to the point where it causes distress and fighting. this is a hobby, it is not one's entire life. i would recommend just blocking and not engaging with people who try to police how you interact with leisure behaviors. i don't think there's one true way to be "Right" about these kinds of things because it's literally all conjecture
also sorry, i have no idea who that character is! i don't know very many fictional characters by name so i can't lend any input there, apologies. for the future, if anyone is curious about my feelings on these sorts of things about other characters, i unfortunately cannot help you as there's a near 100% chance i am not familiar with them and can't lend any input
how can an opinion be right or wrong ... ? that just doesn't make sense to me. it's all opinion. it's not worth hurting other people over or yelling at each other. i'm sorry that i can't give you a more informed opinion, but i thought maybe an outsider's perspective could help somewhat. i hope this is somewhat informative or helpful to you at all- i honestly don't think it's right for people to try to control each others' headcanons because that is quite literally thought policing and i am not here for that. anyway, take care of yourself! thanks for stopping by :)
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Unrequited Love Reader and Pure Vanilla Angst bc I’ve been sad these days. (Not canon to the main story.)
The moon is captivating, you think. How it shines and covers you with its light as if it were the critic and you the performer. You feel like you’re trapped on a stage. And no matter how you try to divert the narrative, someone always finds a way to put you back in your role. And you suppose that you’re not in the wrong. You are in Shadow Milk Cookie’s domain, after all. The need to be comforted fills your heart as a tear falls down and wets your cheek, clinging to your chin.
You smell the faint scent of vanilla before you hear him talk. “[Name] Cookie, oh, I am so sorry to interrupt, but I can’t help but worry about you. You’ve been acting a bit…”
You’re a bit annoyed, no, scratch that. You’re really pissed off. Your mind can’t comprehend what’s his deal. Pure Vanilla Cookie is someone who cares about his friends and people. He’s kind, empathetic and lovely. But at what point does he help because he really feels like it? Or he just does it out of duty? Is he always genuine?
“Why are you asking, Pure Vanilla Cookie? What would you do if something was wrong?” He seems surprised by your tone but doesn’t comment on it. It takes him a good minute to answer, calm and firmly.
“I would do anything in my power, you do know that, right? You are my friend, my old friend, you can count on me.”
Shaking your head, you smile, but it feels like a grimace. Of course, you knew he was going to say that. He always says the same things, just in different fonts. You know that it shouldn't hurt you; you’re feeling like this because you are allowing it. At least, that is what you think. “That’s so cruel…you can’t say that you’d do anything and then just call me a friend.”
“Pardon me? [Name] Cookie,” His eyes are open now, and you can’t look at him, so you convince yourself that the floor is more beautiful. “You would do the same, is that right? You told me…”
“Ugh, let's stop dancing around this topic,” Frustration and anger flares up and helps you ignore the uncomfortable dread in your body. “I told you that because I did not mean it as just a friend. I love you, but right now, I hate you a bit for it.”
You finally look at Pure Vanilla Cookie, and his face is just so pretty that it makes you feel sickly. He’s not looking at you. “I am terribly sorry…but I can’t—“ With furrowed brows and a hoarse voice, he tries to reject you as softly as possible.
“I understand, you don't have to reject me. I was just stating it.” You can’t hear him finish that sentence. Somehow, it feels like if that thought materializes, I’ll turn true. And you so foolishly try to keep some hope for your heart.
“…[Name] Cookie,” For the first time since he found you, he approaches and holds both your hands. “I’m not very good at this. But thank you for telling me. And- we can still be friends If that’s…what you want?”
You agree and reassure him that nothing will change and that soon this feeling will go away. Bizarrely enough, you think that it may happen sooner than you’d expect.
It’s been a while! As I said, I’ve been struggling a bit these days but I’m better. Please feel free to share your opinion on this fic as long as it’s respectful. And no, this is not canon. In the main story, the reader does not confess to Pure Vanilla. Maybe someday.
#nooray updates#no use of y/n#crk x reader#crk x you#unrequited love story#pure vanilla cookie x reader#but it’s one-sided
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Sex With Bi-Han
Masterlist || not proofread || gender-neutral
I am so sorry for being dead for so long lmfao. I’m back and I decided to write about Bi-Han since I’ve been obsessing over him recently. These are my headcanons for sex with Bi-Han. I’ll probably make this concept a series (and also as mini guides when I write smut lol) if people are interested. Alsooooo sorry if these are too OOC, this is just always how I’ve seen Bi-Han. This is also pretty ramble-y
Bi-Han prefers to be on top. He just feels the most comfortable if he can control the pace. He also enjoys seeing how much his partner trusts him, allowing him to guide the two in pleasure. Bi-Han isn’t opposed to giving up control, or taking a more ‘50/50’ approach, but it won’t happen immediately. Some time passes before Bi-Han feels comfortable with switching up the status-quo his mind established.
He doesn’t have a favorite position. Not in the sense that he has zero preference, he’s never thought about what he likes…he’s more of a ‘doer’? Idk if that makes sense. He tends to stick to missionary because that’s what he’s used to. Bi-Han also likes being able to look into his partner’s eyes while he moves in and out of them.
Noise level? Bi-Han is quiet, almost completely silent. He’s too focused on the moment, on making his partner and himself feel that he forgets to…actually feel good. His partner will have to remind him to relax, that at this moment he is Bi-Han, not Grandmaster. Then he’ll slowly melt into his lover’s body, allowing himself to grunt and groan freely.
Subtle touches really get Bi-Han going. He’ll tense up if he feels his partner is touching him “too much.” Not because he’s uncomfortable, he’s just not used to it. Bi-Han appreciates it when his partner starts with gentle, teasing touches to build the tension. He goes crazy when his partner gently drags their nails across this body, it’ll make him groan louder than normal.
Length??? Bi-Han is probably 6 1/2 – 7 inches, decent girth. Nothing crazy, sorry 10in lovers. He’s a little veiny and a bit more sensitive down there than most. Handjobs are okay in his book, blowjobs are lovely, but he prefers to make himself useful by burying himself inside his love (or having them inside of him).
Decently thick load; Bi-Han cums for a while and always gives his partner a thick load. His eyes flutter shut and his brows press together. His breath is shaky while he catches his breath. Strands of sweat-slick hair stick to his damp face – he’s a beautiful sight.
—
“You’re doing it again,” they pull off Bi-Han with a quiet pop. Their hand gives Bi-Han’s dick a few gentle pumps before they swallow his length again, their tongue sliding across a sensitive vein. They hold his balls in their hand, slowly fondling them as their tongue continues its journey.
Bi-Han doesn’t respond immediately; he focuses on relaxing his (surprisingly) tense body, allowing for waves of pleasure to wash over him. His mind goes fuzzy when a particularly harsh suck sends him closer to the edge. His dick throbs, his hands find purchase in the bedsheets below him, his eyes press shut, and his eyebrows furrow. His partner takes him deeper in their mouth – they know he’s close.
Bi-Han ascends to the heavens with a soft groan, hoping the gods will accept him.
#mortal kombat fanfiction#mortal kombat fanfic#mortal kombat x reader#bihan x reader#bi han x reader#bi han fanfic#mortal kombat headcanons
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relief flutters weakly at his answer, but it doesn’t help to make her world any more vibrant, sharp, and clear. it’s still fuzzy. at least if he wanted to hurt her, it would’ve made sense. she knows she deserves it. there’s enough time for her to protest his claim, surely, not at all plagued by the confusion he keeps trying to tell her about. she is confused, but not about this. she’s confused, and heartbroken as to why he feels unwelcome. why he feels rejected and cast out, unwanted. she’s the only one to deserve feeling that way. “ n- no, i do. i do want you here. you’ve been so kind, you have to let me thank you, i … there has to be something … ” she needs him to understand, but allie can’t find any more words.
she’s not as strong as she thinks. still sitting up, she presses her hands into the soft feeling of her covers, only finding sensation on one side. it’s not very grounding at all, the plushness sh underneath the searching pads. she squeezes her eyes shut, tries to keep from ruminating on the cycles of pain, and guilt soaked regret. the reality of the gore that stains her neck, and traveling down. it comes to the closure of half magic, half ruin. allie doesn’t have to comprehend the rapid signals her body sends her to know what she needs. her eyes open, cloudy with tears, falling in between one blink and the next. still, her gaze pulls to the sight of him, again. he looks so uncomfortable, grounding himself into the wood of the floor instead of anything else. her insides shred with the panic that something is wrong, and she can’t figure it out. there’s too much to go through. and he hasn’t given her anything besides the truth that he knew her mother and the urge to get home, and to be safe, without him. she watches his face, and can’t place anything but bravery and resolve. she remembers, when she had been closer to him, after the fall, she hadn’t heard his heart. she remembers seeing him flinch away from the open wound, bending. allie makes a desperate guess that would hush her prickling senses.
everything after that feels like it could be happening all at the same time. he’s feeding her instructions with a stern voice that makes her feel just as small as he seems to remember, he turns, he’s going to leave. he’s going to leave. and he’s not going to come back, and neither will she, and now that the bleeding stopped, the pain turns bone dry and unsolved. every bit of her screams, even while allie knows she can’t. she can’t, but she does cry, and pours, all the same. frustration piles high in her so deep that she burns. she might even be angry, the ugliest feeling of all. “ just- just, wait, please! ” she does him the simple favor of not trying to stand again, but she shakes, ceaselessly, even without the movement of her limbs. “ please. please, i haven’t seen her in- in seven years and i haven’t even come looking for her, this time. and you’re- you’re here. i don’t know anyone else that knows her, i’ve followed her everywhere i could, and- and her stories but none of it’s ever done anything and i … ” her sob turns choked up, mangled. she doesn’t want it to leave, anyway. “ i just want my mom. ” in the leave of her grief, silence comes, and she can’t look at him any more. allie’s eyes, filled with tears, fall to her bare knees. somehow, she hadn’t skinned those. it doesn’t take long at all for the worry that he’ll go, anyway, take over the sadness, the emptiness. she has to do something. “ i can close the wound, i can- so you can stay or- or you could come back, i just … i can’t lose you, i only just found you. ” the flower flower, unlike the root, is stored on the other side of the bed. allie shoves this, too down her throat, anticipating the sour burn despite the sweetpea exterior, protests from something meant to be used on the outside, gone on the inside of something alive. it doesn’t matter, she knows she won’t mend fast enough for it to be worth it. “ can you- can you come back? or … or leave something? so i can find you again? ” again, her body’s greedy, sagging at the edge of her bed at the smallest notion of rest.
Frowning, Reid recognises the spike in her heartbeat. "I didn't get you all the way back here, to hurt you," Damn, he hopes he doesn't at the end of all this. She's putting ideas in his head, and he's squeezing his eyes shut, shunning the depraved imagery. It's been overwhelming enough without her fears dousing her with cortisol; it's a feral trait to know that like it's syrup in a coffee.
She barely understands what she's asking him. "You don't want me here," Statement. Fact. Her friend is supposed to be here, so it's not him burdened with responsibility. Reid finds he's in the gravity of too many witches. Some are familiar with dragging him through the rocky plains of hell and back. Even more than that like to see him squirm under the weight of his desperation.
He's close to crossing the room and stopping the young witch's movements. But he fixes himself still, feet rooted to the floor — almost like the magic in the house has curled around his boots and crawled inside his bones; claimed him as a piece in Allie's little realm.
It's odd, watching her magic at work. He's seen so much of it, years of it, in the futile search for a cure. But it's all very different from the next; no black-and-white law. No mantra that Reid's used to in which he's clear on everything. Once it has been as easy as right and wrong had once been. Witchcraft just a mess of energy that prickles against him; Allie's ingredients aren't like power that envelops the room. He's felt that too, from some. The monster chasing answers in the darker practices; grimoires in stacks at the apartment; frantic hunts for an answer to his affliction. All he's got from it is nightmares and memories of agony.
"Allie." He uses it again, so she might listen this time. The violence at her throat stops its weak trickle as the root and flower do its work but she's vulnerable. She's been that, this whole time.
His instructions are clearer, the second time: "Lay back down. Call your friend. Rest."
And then, he rips his boots up from the invisible binds that had him there for far too long. The cavern in his chest tells him it's wrong to leave her exposed, but he doesn't have another option. He can't stay.
Reid pivots, nodding towards the bed expectantly, as he turns to leave. "Take care."
#reidhalstead#reidhalstead : 001 .#the length genuinely has me crashing out on this one. i understand it's a lot of feelings for her but . i would just like to Not#add 300 words????
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#personal#I’m so happy#se#I’ve been feeling so uncomfortable about my body#but these pictures make me happy so#Maggie is so precious#and look at the new friends!! my heart#Tink and Jesse were so nice#we’ll be taking more dips together soon#I’m so excited#it feels so good to dive into the ocean even when the waters been so cold#it’s really doing something for my mental health#and the food he’s been making me oh my godddd#here’s to more queer dips and other good summer memories
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Fit check?
Signature mom fit, fave tshirt with worn out jeans 🩵
#dead look in my eyes because I’ve been fighting for my life this morning with my kiddo#also I live in jeans#it can be 90+ degrees outside and I’m in pants#why you ask#well#for one I love pants#for 2#I was regularly shamed for my body so now I feel completely uncomfortable showing my legs#so that’s a fun fact yall didn’t know about meeee
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Google how to make peace with the fact that you will always be vaguely to extremely uncomfortable (depending on the day) with your body and how others perceive it until the day you die and nothing you do will ever change that
#I almost wish I was much more masc leaning than I am#so the answer would just simply be ‘go on t’#I keep seeing so many posts that are like hrt is good! this is your sign to go on hrt if you’ve ever wanted to!#GOD I wish I were that simple#(those aren’t bad posts that’s not the point they’re just not applicable to me and seeing the sentiment makes me sad and a bit frustrated)#(cuz for me it’s not that easy)#like are there some things T would do to my body that I would like?#yes absolutely. I would LOVE a deeper voice and fat redistribution#but like. that’s it#I would not want it to do anything else#in fact that idea of anything else and potentially ‘passing’ as a man makes me VISCERALLY uncomfortable#I do not want to be a man and I do not want ppl to perceive me as a man#but the same is true for being a woman#I do not like a lot of feminine traits but I do not want to strictly trade them for masculine ones#UNFORTINATELY you cannot pick and choose the affects of hrt#there is no way to ‘look androgynous’ (which is what I want)#(yes ik you can use shapewear and makeup and contour and that can do SOME)#(but it’s A LOT of work and effort I don’t have time or energy to do every day)#(and there’s still some things about my body I wouldn’t be able to alter doing stuff like that)#and it’s like sure I could go on T. but I’d still have this problem just the opposite direction#and it. sucks#it sucks so hard knowing there’s literally no conceivable way I will ever just have a body#that correlates to how I feel gender wise and will get people to ‘gender me correctly’#just based on how I look#and it’s something I’ve been thinking about recently a lot and it’s making me FHDJDKKSSKKSKS in a bad way#I know it’s cuz it’s pride month and I follow A LOT of trans ppl#who are posting trans pride and hrt and surgery info and stuff#(and obviously these are all very good things as I said)#it’s just. because of my particular situation they make me feel… bad#because I won’t ever have an option to be comfortable and happy with how I look lol
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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tw: you know the drill
When you’re feeling :( about your bod and then you want a snack but you don’t eat the snack and then feel :) about your bod
#tw eating issues#tw body dysmorphia#gem’s personal ana diary#hi everyone I miss everyone desperately I’ve been working ot for weeks now and having stress dreams about work#my brain is so broken from thinking all the time lol#I’m sitting here like wow I wish I could scroll on tumble but I really can’t devote any processing power to reading through posts and shit#literally I’ve only been watching drag race for weeks and that’s IT#if that#I JUST started being able to play video games again#nothing else has been holding my interest but the weather has been very nice this week so I’ve been outside a lot#and I’ve added a few of those l’s and b’s if you catch my drift so I’m like oh my god#and it’s uncomfortable and I feel like I’m back at my hw even tho I’m nowhere close but anyway that’s too much to deal with rn I’m tired#my brain is tired#Ta ta for now
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been really really thinking abt gender recently (lol what else is new) but i think it’s so insane how prevalent gendered language is and/or the fixation of genitals in our society!!! i know it’s been said before but don’t cis people think it’s weird? to constantly be thinking about genitals? get a life
#i’ve been hanging out with more not cis ppl recently and it really really helps me feel more normal#but also in my psych class we’re going over the ethical implications of forced gender reassignment on babies#and it’s talking a lot about the complexities of gender and being forced to live in a body that you do not feel at home in#especially the psychological consequences of the therapists trying to gaslight and brainwash the patient into believing they are one gender#when really they’re not that at all#idk we’re going to be spending the last month of class on this case and it makes me so uncomfortable#like of course it’s crucial to learn about but still…#my boygirl girlboy dysphoria has really been clawing at my brain recently
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highlights from my notes app. 30/79 and i couldn’t even finish the last chapter
⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖ AKAASHI KEIJI
undone ⋆.˚⟡ ࣪ ˖
she would do anything for her best friend. including, but not limited to, pretending to be his girlfriend, so he can get the attention of the girl of his dreams, as much as it hurts
PAIRING: akaashi x fem reader
STATUS: complete
TAGS/WARNING: unrequited love, fake dating, angst, pining, friends to lovers, university au, language, alcohol use, warnings may change
MDNI: will contain adult content (marked in chapter)
TAGLIST: complete this form to be added
PREVIEW: real
CHAPTER ONE: evidence
CHAPTER TWO: complications
CHAPTER THREE: close
CHAPTER FOUR: truths
CHAPTER FIVE: plans
CHAPTER SIX: act
-> SEQUEL
#reading this bc p*riod cramps are keeping me up and i want to die. surely this wont go badly#He captioned it: My pretty girl” kms#iwaizumi: i’m sorry to text you so much. i’m just bad at stopping myself” kms#I’m obsessed with you.” ow#she wants to believe her and everything she says.” there are so many pains in my body this might be the first unique experience i’ve had.#i think i’m getting a stomach ulcer /srs#She is sorry. She feels sorry for him.” ok the best analogy i can think of is in lying on a bed of knives and every line is just a little#bit of pressure that pushes me deeper into the knives so it’s not this overwhelming unbearable pain it’s just slow and uncomfortable and i#want it to stop but it’s beyond my control now also i feel blood dripping down my back#Yeah but I give a shit about you” a tall tall wall looms in front of me#after weeks of nonstop contact won’t answer her texts.” what if i ripped my stomach out#No” Akaashi says. “Can I kiss you?” i think i’m being cooked like a rotisserie chicken#ok ok this actually might be too much for me i’m going to be so sick please#let me paint the picture. it’s 5:40 am. i’ve been up since 3 battling the worst cramps i’ve had all year. been stuck in my head abt my own#irl crush dilemma. this fic is abt akaashi keiji. who i have never been normal about. so i obviously have invested feelings#. i feel like this is what being cheated on feels like. this is a genuine attack on my person and my well being i am being cheated on in#my whole interior feels like tar#my heart feels like how you feel when you start to drown like that sense of bubbling over and the loss of breath and irrational brain feels#god now i’m openly reading this like it’s me and something tells me that this in this moment is going to be the worst decision of my life#i’m pretty sure i took my antidepressants. here’s hoping#i let out a sound that was a bit like a strangled wail and i tried to be quiet i tried so hard but i woke roommate up#she hasn’t fallen back asleep since then it’s been an hour#i think this is grief. like i’m feeling real unmitigated grief.#internally i am wailing at the top of my lungs i need to scream i need to sob i need to have some kind of catharsis before my body implodes#Is she still watching?” kill YOURself#i just wished death on akaashi keiji what has the world become. maybe i’m having a lucid nightmare and this isn’t a real fic#and surely it’s a happy ending right i said in delusion#my period cramps are nothing compared to whatever concoction of gross painful awful gut wrenching pain sobs anguish peril grief you’ve done#this is like when i read in another life for the first time but a hundred times worse#That some sick small part of her still wishes it was Akaashi instead.” ok
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“You don’t need to workout so much, you don’t need to fast so much…you already look great!!”
Yes I look great not by happenstance but because I have a disciplined practice??? What is not clicking????
#people are so uncomfortable with the work of discipline and the work of not settling for less than what you want#I’ve been working out for 2+ years consistently and fasting for 6 months consistently#people get so sensitive when they hear about my fasting but it was actually a deeply spiritual way for me to be kinder to my body#instead of working out really hard for 2 hours a day like I used to and feeling like shit when I couldn’t do that anymore#I started fasting#doing lighter workouts that were shorter and less stress on my body#I still lift but now I run I dance and I do ballet#fasting has also introduced me to new ways to emotionally regulate instead of food or alcohol#I still drink and I still eat sugar and I still eat in general but I have a system and I’m not ashamed of caring about looks#like it’s really important for me to feel attractive
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tumblrdotcom how to politely tell someone that every time they ask if i “have enough space” when i sit in the back seat it makes me want to die? without offending them?
#i’m literally only 5’9 and i’m kinda chunky so i’m like big but not that big#like i’m feeling some of the worst body image feelings i’ve had in quite a long time bc of this#i was p neutral about my body before this but i’ve been straight up crying about this for most of the day#they ask literally every time i’ve had to sit in the back seat and it’s been a week i’ve answered the same every time and when i didn’t it#was because i misheard not because i was actually uncomfortable#if they ask again i might actually start crying that’s how bad it is
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Encouragement
Gonna be thinking about “I’m kind of beautiful, in a terrible way.” forever and ever
#the ‘it is.’ always gets me when i reread it. it is. it is. it is.#man idk i been in a Weird Mood the whole week!!#i’m dehydrated and hungry all the time. im emotionally exhausted and my teeth are uncomfortable in my mouth#there’s a massive inexplicable bruise on my right knee and my fingers do not feel like they belong to my body#but hey. im here#i just have to work up the courage to drink water and brush my teeth and eat food that wont hurt me#i been getting back into jigsaw puzzles so ive. been doing those#im not sure why i showed these.#i think. just. maybe they will help someone.#encouragement#you know.#personal post#honestly had i shown more this would be considered a vent post#which issss a tiny bit funny. a wee bit. a bit funny and goofy#but. you know. about that second little part:#giving your physical features to your ocs and your favs..#i think it is one of the highest forms of self love.#the example i used was with human charley. i gave him my nose.#i have very complicated feelings towards my tongue. so i gave it to tapon#my babylike (according to witnesses) and asian face i’ve given to the sarl triplets.#i could give other characters my birthmarks#my moles. my scars.#i can give them the worst parts of my body#and i can give them the best parts of my body#i think. one day. i will have given every piece of me to someone or something else#and that is when i will truly know what its like to be Myself.#idk im rambling in the tags as usual#who reads these? who has clicked the ‘see more’ and read through all of my little words?#who out there are you to see into the side of myself i’m too scared to put in the main post?#i love you. whoever you are.
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